Janette Baltz

07:25 pm: For anyone who might be wondering--I am home now, and have been for a bit. Not up to much, just trying to get back on me feet, put my house and life back together and figure out how to make everything work out "the way it is supposed to.'' I know that there is supposed to be a way but haven't found it yet. Anyhow...

There are only so many people in a person's life that truly find a way or by true virtue of who they are, to touch your heart and soul in such a way as to mark your existence forever. I have known people of this sort, perhaps more than my fair share and I have had so much richness and wonder in my life for it. Maybe it is not that we only find a few but that we are only supposed to find a few. Maybe that is because these wonderful beings are so few and far between that that is the only way that they can go around. And maybe that is why I seem to loose or be loosing them. We all know at least one of these people of which I speak...he was a wonderful, and amazing person who managed to find a way to bring light and joy simply by being present.

I got a phone call today from someone so dear to me, my heart breaks just think of what this person has been through in their lives. And it breaks further now. If there was ever a bad word in the world, ever something that should be completely destroyed and...........aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no way to make sense of it, I cannot even begin to type how horrible of a word/thing that it is. Because it is CANCER. It does not matter what kind, where it is, who has it, or whatever. It has stolen so much from me and now it threatens something very dear to me again. I would trade places if I could. Sometimes I really hate having a heart.

01:33 am: Holy Shit...or would that be Unholy?
Maybe I should not due these things when I am feeling down and not so good about myself and quite possibly drunk at 1:30 in the morning...Wine is bad...maybe glutany should be added to my list of attributes on this one. Well here's to world domination! Cheers, I am going to bed now, I hope.

Satan You scored 85% Pride, 85% Envy, 90% Ambition, and 77% Deceitfulness!

You are Satan, the consummate villain, and the ascendant figure in the unholy trinity. Throughout history you have been called The Serpent, The Accuser, The Devil, Lucifer, The Prince of the Power of the Air, and The Dragon, among other things. Your “compatriots” in the unholy trinity, the Antichrist and the False Prophet, are merely pawns in your futile struggle with God. Though, they probably don’t know this. This is because you are a master of deception; indeed the Bible calls you “The Father of All Lies”. You are also very ambitious, and you strive to be in positions of the utmost authority. Unfortunately, it was impossible for you to obtain the highest title in heaven and this is part of the reason why you decided to leave. Of course, you couldn’t just leave by yourself, so you managed to use your deceptive abilities to get one third of the angels in heaven to join with you in revolt. God put down the rebellion and expelled you from heaven. To most people, it would seem foolish to start a war against God, but pride can sometimes cause people to do foolish things. In heaven, you were the most beautiful and powerful of all angels and you were well aware of this. Unfortunately, you let your pride consume you and your passions led you down the road to perdition. After you were expelled from heaven, you let another one of your attributes consume you—envy. You knew that you could never defeat God, but you could attempt to destroy humanity, his most beloved creation. Your goal is to bring as many people as possible to suffer in Hell with you. Fortunately for you, but unfortunately for the rest of us, you’ve been endowed with all of the attributes necessary (deceptiveness, confidence, ruthlessness, and ambition) to do a terribly good job at this.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 94% on Pride You scored higher than 95% on Envy You scored higher than 91% on Ambition You scored higher than 92% on Deceitfulness

Link: The Which Biblical Villain Are You Test written by MetalliScats on Ok Cupid

06:23 pm: Weekend...

So everyone went to fair this weekend or so it seems.  God I miss going to fair, next year I guess.  Hope everyone had a good time.

( This weekend... )

05:34 pm: A rant....
Just as I think I am getting things figured out and I think I am getting a handle on my life someone or something proves to me that I was wrong.
Just as I thought I actually knew someone their actions prove me wrong.
Just as I am doing my best and think it shows someone screams that it is not good enough and proves me wrong.
Just as I think things are finally going to go my way, I crash into a wall and am proved wrong.
I am used to not being first, hell I am used to not winning even finishing last. But I have never felt like quitting the race. I do not want to give up but I have not felt this lost in a long time. Maybe I never actually found my way and the road finally showed me I was only following along side the right way and then it turned to show me I was actually still very lost.
I am so very tired of being the one who says okay I was wrong just to make things better or giving into a situation just to save a little hardship for everyone. And now for the first time in a very long time I actually say "NO!" I am not going to be that easy, it seems that I am more wrong than ever.
I try my best at everything I do. I give a 100% and more in everything but lately it just does not seem to be enough and I am feeling like I am falling so far behind. I love what I do, I love being in the Army and everything so far that goes with it but I have not felt this inadequate or unfit for something in a long time. I feel so awkward about everything going on in my life and I do not know what to do.
AAAAAAAHHHHHH, I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just had to say that. Take it with a grain of salt or as you will. Our lives are what we make them and I accept the responsibility for mine. I know that my actions and the responses of others to those actions have shaped my world into what it is at this moment. But I needed to download all that before I went insane. I might still but at least everyone will know why.

09:07 pm: It has been a while....
For the first time in since April (and earlier actually) I have actually managed to get online. In fact I have my own service. So it should not be 4 months in between postings.
But I seem to be too late in a way for so many things and my trip home has left me with more questions of who and what kind of person I actually am. And whether or not the people I thought knew ever actually cared for real for me versus me being some sort of means to an end for them. And recent events in my life further that confusion.


Pointless memes but they were fun. They hit real close to point.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Your Birthdate: March 29

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people.

05:47 pm: Its been a while...
So it is only a few days off of the day that I will celebrate turning a quarter of a century old. But as many of you know it is also the aniversary of a very important event as well. In a conversation I had with a friend on the phone the other day, we got onto the subject of love, life and relationships and inevitably I explain my view on such things....particularly the relationship and love stuff. It being so close to a very special day I thought I would share it with all of you.

Being is love is an incredible thing, especially when the person you love loves you back as much you do them. It becomes this endless cycle of sharing life, hardship, caring and the wonders that each day can hold regardless of what those wonders might be. It is amazing how you can spend each day never worrying about yourself because you are too busy taking care of the one you love and you know that they are doing the same in return for you. Not that it is expected, it just happens. The best way to describe it is each of you tend a well. Each day you take water from your well and take it over to your love's well and pour water into it to be sure it never goes dry and they always have a resource to turn to. If all is the way it should be they do the same for you. Each day they take water from their well and bring it over to yours. So you perpetually fill each other up with what is inside your own well. But if one of you is not sharing or filling your well up in return then yours eventually goes dry and you end up having nothing left to give. And too often that is the way relationships go and it is sad that so few people have truelly experienced what is like to have someone really love them in return and to always have the well full and waiting.

I have to say I have been so fortunate to have had this. I can only hope that someday I will be as fortunate again.

07:20 pm: Random thoughts...
First a Meme!

Who Killed You by drivemylife
Username
Who found your body	silverflight
Who they said did it	the_dean
Who the police suspect	annamonster
Who had a perfect alibi	parnasus
The judge is	moonmajick
Who really did it	twilight_hunter
Why they did it	They were paid by the mob
How sorry they feel: 46%
Who doesn't really care	byron_miracle
Quiz created with MemeGen!

In the mist of dark, I sit on a throne of thoughts. Thoughts of great wishes and strong will for those I love, thoughts of happier times, thouhgts of sadder time, thoughts that are pointless or meaningless, thoughts that can change the world, thoughts of anger and hate, thoughts of love and happiness, thoughts about the past and thoughts of present feelings and fears. Reflections of the world and lives outside this place of dark and thoughts. Not all thougths are my own, I am graced with some from those that pass by this great well of dark (for all do at one point or another) that share and pay homage to the throne and many are my own. But those who share never stay long and they never come pass the threshhold. They just add a thought here or there for they must and move along on their merry little ways. They have done thier duty. So in the end all I am left with, my only company, are thoughts. They know I am here and that is why some of them come, they like to share, but they never stay and they never come any farther than to drop a thought down the well. But like a penny at a fountain they never pay a second mind to it once it leaves them. Although with each thought the throne grows I come no closer to being free. I am imprisoned by the darkness that encloses the thoughts and there is no way out. Not that I really would want to get out. The dark is safe and being alone with nothing but my thoughts and those of others is peaceful in a way. But it is still alone. A single solitary gaurd of the forgotten thoughts of the world. And that makes the vastness of the dark so much greater and less friendly but is still all that I have and can expect from life. All that is left is to sit in the mist of the dark and wait for the next thought. Maybe my own or maybe someone elses.

I have no idea where it came from. It just did.

07:47 pm:

Your LJ Strip Club by ScreamingDolai
username
The type of joint you run	Classy, clean place even militant feminists patronizeTopless only, you demure thing youCelebrity hot spot where Drew Barrymore might make a cameoHardcore all-nudeDon't sit down unless you've Lysol'd the seat
Your club is called	Boob-O-Rama
Sleazy manager	moonmajick
Scary bouncer	dagda16
Most frequent customer	parnasus
Highest paid stripper	twilight_hunter
Can do really acrobatic pole tricks	silverflight
Just doing this to pay for med school	byron_miracle
Had to get "enhancements" to make more money	papahugo
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Starship Captian! by Uberdude
Username
What is the name of your starship?
Uptight First Officer	parnasus
Closeted Helm/ Navigation	annamonster
Token Alien Scientist	papahugo
Tarty Nymphomaniac Yeoman	moonmajick
Substance Abusing Ship's Doctor	slacker_runt
Ensign Smith (aka "the victim")	the_dean
Ship's Engineer /Drunk	twilight_hunter
Arch Nemesis Alien Commander	silverflight
Your ship's secret weapon	Suicide Detonation
How dose your mission end?	You and the Tarty Yeoman get married
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I am a member of 1 clique of size 8

byron_miracle, twilight_hunter, jadewolfxl, the_dean, faerchylde, silverflight, moonmajick, parnasus

Find the largest clique containing:

(Enter your livejournal username here).

07:03 pm: memes

Your LJ Prison by redfrog021
Username
Favorite Deadly Sin	SlothGluttonyGreedLustEnvyAngerPride
You are convicted of	Buggery of a Midget Clown With a Balloon Amimal
And sentenced to	Death Row!
Warden	silverflight
Abusive redneck guard	the_dean
Easy to bribe guard	papahugo
Cellmate	byron_miracle
Wants to make you their bitch	annamonster
Drops soap in the shower on purpose	moonmajick
Works in the laundry and smells people's undies	parnasus
Comes to see you for 'conjugal visits'	faerchylde
Quiz created with MemeGen!

You scored as Harry Potter. You can be a little reckless and hot-headed at times, but a more brave and courageous friend would be hard to find. </td> Harry Potter 90% Hermione Granger 80% Remus Lupin 80% Sirius Black 75% Draco Malfoy 75% Albus Dumbledore 70% Severus Snape 70% Ginny Weasley 65% Ron Weasley 60% Lord Voldemort 35% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

Which Spike Quote are You? (now with more quotes!) by azalago
Name
Sex
Spike Quote	I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

07:02 pm: MEMES!!!!!

<table style='font-family : Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; border-collapse: collapse; border: 1px solid black;' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'><form action='http://memegen.net/viewmeme.pl?meme=1069959427' method='POST'><tr><th colspan=2  bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#DDDD88'>Which Spike Quote are You? (now with more quotes!) by azalago</font></th></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#333333' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #FFFFFF;'>Name</span></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #000000;'><input type='text' name='Name' value='Janette' size='20'></span></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#333333' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #FFFFFF;'>Sex</span></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #000000;'><input type='text' name='Sex' value='Female' size='20'></span></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#333333' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #FFFFFF;'>Spike Quote</span></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA' style='border: 1px solid black;'><span style='color: #000000;'>I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain.</span></td></tr><input type='hidden' name='un' value='azalago'><input type='hidden' name='meme' value='1069959427'><tr><td colspan=2 align='center' bgcolor='#000000'><input type='submit' value='Fill Out Your Answers and Try it!'></td></tr><tr><td colspan=2 align='center' bgcolor='#000000'><font size='-1' color='#FFFFFF'><a href='http://memegen.net/'><font color='#DDDD88'>Quiz created with MemeGen</font></a>!</font></td></tr></form></table>

06:35 pm: IIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmmm Baaaaaaaaaack!
It has been a while but I finally have a chance to update. So here it is as it stands most recently.

So we finally finished the first block of training, Chemistry. I thought it would never end. Do not get me wrong I love Chemistry. I enjoyed the class but it is only the first of three blocks each lasting about 2 months and it seems that I have already been here for such a long time. We got here at the end of October...the 29th to be exact. I guess it is just because of the holidays. But it is finally over. We took our last test today, got the final results on the overall class standing, and cleaned the classroom...we start the next block tomorrow. Not wasting any time I guess....good!

The test was easy. No worries and I got a 92% on it. I also found out that I am ranked #2 in my section and #3 in the overall class. I think that is pretty cool. And I am told it just gets easier from here on out.

We start Blood Banking and Hemotology tomorrow. Yea!...for the needle sticking I get to do...boo, because someone else will get to do it to me as well. But oh well, that is the way of things. We will do this for two months and then we start Microbiology...the fun one. Two months after that, I am done. I should graduate around the 2nf of June. Too cool. But it still seems so far away. Well, not quite done...I still have phase 2 but with any luck I will get to be closer to home and have more freedom. Besides I will get to come in between in June so that will be cool.

10:01 pm: I am Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I am God...or so says the lemming.....



You are a God... The World is at your whim, and
there is nothing that anyone else can do about
it...


What level of divine power do you have?
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08:03 am: yes...yet anothor Olivehursting.
I do suppose I was about due for one. It has been some time since my last one. So Joe comes over on most mornings to pick up clothes and food before he goes to work, because this is where he keeps most of it. On Monday Joe drops by a little late and comes in to do what he has to do in a small bit of a hurry. About tem minutes later he is done and is out the door. I walked him out because we were talking and when we got to the door I noticed a couple of kids standing at the shared property line between Joe's and my neighbor's place. I did not think much of it even when they bolted down the stree when we came out. That is until after I went back inside and a few seconds later I heard Joe freaking out in my driveway.

I rushing back outside to see what was the matter and he proceeded to tell me that someonme had gotten into his car while he was in my house and had taken his wallet (ID, ATM card and about $6), a knife, palm pilot and variouis other items from his passenger seat. In his hurry he had left his car keys in the ignition and obviously everything wide open when he had come in. He was afterall only going to be a few minutes. That was all the opportunistic little bastards needed. I rush back inside and get on the phone with the sherriff's department to report it. Needless to say someone shows up and takes the report and we go about on our merry little way. Joe and I spent over an hour walking the neighborhood for any signs of his stuff being tossed (i.e. the wallet and ID)to the side and maybe some slight chance of actually seeing the kids. No luck.

But here is the best part. I get home yesterday and decide to take a shower. I get out to here Peetie going nuts like someone is at my front door. I was not expecting anyone so I go to the door (which is always locked)in my towel. It is a metal screen so it is not like they can see into the house. There is this around 16 or so Hispanic kid standing just outside my gate wanting to talk to me. He did not speak English very well and had said something about a friend and my car and some guy and wanted to talk to me. I told him to wait that I would be right out and I threw on my clothes, leaving the hair in a towel.

So I come outside to find a kid trying to communicate to me about a car and then I realize he had meant Joe's car and then he pulls out the palm pilot and he says he is hungry and offers to give it back to me for $20. Needless to say I was astounded. As far as I could tell so far the kid had been involved and was standing in front of me waiting for me to give him money for something that was not his. I told him I did not have cash and was going to have to go get some and then I tried to bargain for the rest of the stuff. He did not understand so I asked him to wait and in hopes he would not take off I ran back inside and grabbed the phone. I had an idea of where Joe was so I gave boblover a call in hopes he was there. He was not so I asked her to call the Yuba County sherriff for me and let them know what was going on. I did not want to risk letting the kid get away. I grabbed a Spanish/English dictionary and went back outside.

I was able to ascertain that he did not have the wallet or anything else on him but I was not sure if he did not have any of it at all. No worries. I was still really trying to figure out what to do. I honestly did not have the cash, but if I left the sherriff might show up and if I stayed the kid might take off. So I asked him to wait again under the pretense that I had to go back inside for shoes and to brush my hair. I half took my time and half rushed. I was stalling but did not want it to look like it. And yet again he was still waiting for me outside. He was either dumb or incredibly smart...I had no clue and still don't.

I have to go to work before I am late. I will finish this when I get home.
To be continued......

11:15 pm: lemmings

J	Joyous
A	Accurate
D	Delicate
E	Elitist
W	Warm
O	Overwhelming
L	Loud
F	Furry
X	XtRemE
L	Lovable

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

It said furry AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
------------------------------------

Get out the hats and let's have a big ol'pity
party. You're repressed. You've got the gift,
but it looks like you're waiting for
something--like a swift kick in the arse. Don't
deny your inner freak. You want to be weird,
people already think you're weird, so stop
fighting it.


Smythe Reisner Abnormality Index (aka Freak Quiz!)
brought to you by Quizilla

-----------------------------------------

You are Coraline! You are quirky, strange, and
charming. Some people may find you a little
alarming and not always get you... But they can
piss off, right? You are the kind of person who
always needs to be entertained, otherwise you
get uncomfortable. You probably still enjoy
everything you did when you were little, such
as childrens books and Disney movies. Youre fun
to be around and are usually the life of the
party.


*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla

08:28 am: lemming
Just felt like checking both names for the hell of it.

Angel Style by greymentality
Name/Username
First Impression from Others	Others see you as mundane, until "enlightenment"
Your Core	You want peace. Peace of mind. Peace of heart.
Potential to Stray from the Light: 20%
Your Weakness	You're invisible to people. Darn it!
Your Strength	You are the Bard of the Angels.
Your Wings	Dark black, raven shine
Your Focus	Learning
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Angel Style by greymentality
Name/Username
First Impression from Others	Others see your wings unfold and are awed
Your Core	You want peace. Peace of mind. Peace of heart.
Potential to Stray from the Light: 18%
Your Weakness	You keep getting picked to play Death each day.
Your Strength	You work undercover. Like NYPD Blue, but not.
Your Wings	Filmy and flowing. Like gauze.
Your Focus	Truth
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

08:02 am: Want....
I have always made it my goal to never want what I cannot have. I was the youngest of four in a relatively low income family. We never needed for anything but want was always there. So I learned early on to just not want what I knew was not possible for me to have. But somewhere along the path of my life, I lost that lesson and now I know why I worked so hard when I was young to adhere to it. It sucks. To want is to open up all the possibilities and wonders of the world, for there are things of want that are never truly needed. To be denied these things wanted is to have the world and all its possibilities ripped from you and then to see it given so willingly and freely to another drowns it all together. But when the want is dinied the desire does not go away...it gets more intense and powerful, in some faint hope that trying harder might make it possible. And thus it becomes a horrific cycle of self damnation and can drive the sanest of poeple to the brink. The question is, is there a way back to not wanting? Is there a way to go around the part of that want that does not want to give up? Is there a way to go back to what is was like before wanting without shifting the wanting desire to something else?

Random thoughts of a tired over worked mind. No sleep will do that, unwanted dreams will do that and a mind that never stops thinking. It is both a curse and a blessing, like so much else when it comes to me. You can never accuse me of not thinking...just not thinking about I should be.

Have a good day all. I get off from work around 4:30 or so, if anyone wants to do something give me a call.

11:03 pm: Life...if that is what you want to call it.
So today after no sleep (was up a little late because Zak was here and then could not stay asleep)I had to be at Sac State at 8:00 am or so I thought for a test. The WPE; Writing Proficiency Exam...Like I am not a proficient writer, I have only taken somewhere around 8 classes that were writing intensive already and passed with mostly A's and nothing less than a B. But I had to take the damn thing anyway...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The education system is so f*&@#d. The essay topic was probably one of the lamest I a have ever had to do...It was an artical written on the amount of money and time Americans spend on their pets and then it asked if Americans have gone overboard or not on their relationships with these pets. I have no idea how well I did. I know I would have passed if it had been given at a JC as a final or something but I am not sure if the University is any more harsh on its grading. I have neither a good or a bad feeling...I just hate the fact that I had to do it. I am not sure if too many students have slipped throught the cracks and then ended up over their heads or they are just looking for another way to squeeze $25 from the students. Yes the passing of the test is a requirement to graduate and/or access to specific classes that are needed to graduate. The real fun part is those who fail have to take a prepatory course and then retake the test later...Or if you are lucky you can retest once and try to pass it outright again.

The whole situation sucked. I do not like 2 hour essay tests anyhow and to top it all off I was tired and not feeling well. But we shall see. I more than likely passed. But if not I am not worried...I will just take it again and pass the next time around...I will be damned if I am going to get forced into taking another writing class just because the readers of my essay did not like the point of view I took and the way I wrote about it. Not to mention the thousand of other crappy things weighing in on my mind...I hate life and its self imposed limitations sometimes. If it is not one thing it is another and if it is not that it is everything. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am tired and cranky and my stomach hurts. I am going to go sulk with my bunny rabbit and then going to go to sleep.

09:51 pm: LEMMING
Due to my recent dispostion, I can see this one being very true.

Jadewolfxl is poisonous! Induce vomitting if ingested.

N POISON

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

05:42 pm: lemming
I tried the fortune cookie one... it sooryy no cookies for you right now. I flipped it off and have resolved myself to try it again later...no one denies me cookies and surives unscathed...

I am almost afraid at how close this one actually is. But my question is who will be the next man to fall in love with this gorgeous red head? I really like that quoteand just hope he is worthy. We will see.



WAAAAAHH!! You're inner Bombshell is the zany
Lucille Ball! You like making people laugh, but
also know how to turn on the glamour when the
time is right. To most guys you're the perfect
all-around gal. But sometimes you get into
trouble and have a heckuva time talking your
way out of it. You may be accident-prone on the
outside, but your a first class business woman
on the inside. A pioneer, so to say. Lucy can
still be seen hamming it up on her most famous
television series "I Love Lucy".


Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla

08:12 am: good lemming...
After the night I had...no sleep and even less rest. I laid down at about 11 pm and never really got to sleep...damn my neighbors and brain. This is just the start to the day I needed.

Now I get to go to work a little....excited. Oh well, good thing I am not a guy...there would be no hiding it.


Aragorn


Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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